Therapist A is a counsellor and life coach with experience of working with alcohol and addiction issues as well as with eating disorders.
Thank you for contacting us and for your question: should I confront him or leave it to run its course? These decisions are always very difficult whichever one you decide to make. Before you do I would suggest a few things and you may have already done them.

Has there ever been any history of this happening before in your marriage and before you found the text messages, how did you feel about your marriage? How is your husband’s behaviour towards you now – are there any changes? Sometimes when our feelings are churning it is very difficult to step outside of the situation. When big changes take place in our lives we can all be susceptible to flattery and self-worth issues. Are you definitely sure he is having an affair as such? For example were the text messages explicit and were they from your husband? Can you be certain her husband is telling you the truth?

I have a sense that when you say “… leave it to run its course?” that you are not thinking of leaving your marriage. I would take time to reflect on your marriage as a whole, to make a list of your husband’s qualities, what you give to each other, have you been giving each other enough attention? Big moves (before and after) and bringing up teenage children can sometimes overtake nurturing a relationship. Intellectually we know this but everyday life can get in the way. I would also weigh carefully, knowing your husband over the years, how he would react if you confronted him and what the implications would be. If it felt helpful to get another perspective, you could talk to a trusted relative or friend about this.

Perhaps this is a wake up call for you both to talk about your relationship in a gentle way without referring to anything else. You have been patient this far, however difficult it has been, and it feels worthwhile to take your decisions slowly.
Therapist B is a Relate-trained counsellor with experience of working with relationship issues and is an experienced couples counsellor
Hello, I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma about whether to confront your husband about his affair or to 'let sleeping dogs lie'? I rather suspect that the latter might be difficult to do if the other woman's husband has felt compelled to tell you - I wonder if he is expecting you to take this further now you know? I guess the main thing is to ask how you really feel about this inside - are you deeply hurt or just worried about the consequences of opening up a can of worms? Has this happened before & if so, how did you deal with it previously I wonder? If this is the first time this has happened & you are scared to talk about it with your husband then I'd like to know a bit more about your relationship if possible?

The sort of questions I'd be asking, which you could indeed ask yourself, would be about how close you've been in the past, has the move to France changed the dynamics between you, is there a change of job involved for example which has left you &/or your husband feeling isolated or bored? There are many reasons for affairs to start, & very often it is a lack of real understanding & good communication between partners that leads to one or both looking elsewhere for attention. Its hard to deal with a different country, culture & language & I expect you've been trying hard to get your children integrated into a new way of life as well, so maybe it has taken priority over your marital relationship? Perhaps you could take the opportunity to find a quiet time when you're alone to tell your husband what you have been told/found out & ask why, explain your own hurt feelings & find out what is behind his deceitful actions?

I know it is hard to do when you might be feeling angry, hurt & worried but perhaps it could be a more constructive way forward than keeping it all to yourself.  I wish you well & hope that the above ideas will help - bon courage!

Therapist C is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist with experience of working with relationship and many other issues.

Therapist C is currently away