"WHY HAS MY WIFE LOST HER APPETITE FOR SEX WITH ME?"
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It sounds as
if you are in a lonely place with no one to talk to
about your feelings. I can understand that you feel very
rejected by your wife’s unwillingness to be involved in
a warm loving, uninhibited sexual relationship but it
seems, and I may be wrong, that neither of you are
listening to the other’s difficult feelings about this
relationship but living in sealed off capsules.
It is very
hard in a couple when one person wants something that
the other can’t or doesn’t want to give, whether it is
sex or something less significant. You cannot force a
sexual relationship and the answer, if there is one, is
not simple or one you can find on your own.
You do not say
much about how your relationship is in other areas
although you do mention that you had counselling for
marital problems before which had helped. This perhaps
means that given the right setting you could perhaps
discuss your difficulties without arguing.
As we get
older, our bodies and their needs change. You have had
erectile difficulties and what is happening to your wife
may be related to menopause. However, you don’t say how
for how long you have been experiencing her lack of
interest in sex. There could be other reasons too. I
wonder how she feels about living in France, having
daughters verging on their teens, getting older or about
how you connect in other ways? Maybe your wife senses
your anger and frustration.
Perhaps there
needs to be some attempt on both your parts to
understand the anxieties of the other. The only way you
can help the situation is to open up channels of
communication and try to understand what is going on
between you. Allow your wife to express what she is feeling
and listen without having to put your point of
view. Try to focus on the good areas of your
relationship. On the whole, for women good sex is very
much related to warmth from a partner expressed in other
ways and it may just be that your frustration is
affecting other times you spend with her. When you tell
her how you feel maybe she wants to know she is loved
for more than being your sexual partner. I wish you
well and hope that you can find a way forward. |
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Hello, I'm sorry to hear
that you are unhappy with the way your sex life is
working out with your wife, but am immediately struck
with something you have written at the beginning of your
enquiry. You say that you have been suffering from
erectile dysfunction for the last 7-10 years, presumably
starting around age 40'ish?Although you are using Viagra
to counteract this in a physical/practical way, I wonder
if you & your wife were able to talk about the reasons
for this more fully at the time?
I'm only guessing here, but maybe your wife felt
rejected & questioned her own part in your dysfunction?
It may now be a mixture or an accumulation of your
wife's own emotional & physical reactions, your
different sexual needs, stressful events in the past or
even the circumstances involved in your move to France
for example -all of which might have caused some sort of
stress that is manifesting itself in what sounds like an
uncomfortable imbalance in your emotional & sexual
relationship.
Quite often couples find it hard to talk about intimate
feelings & sometimes there are hidden issues of anxiety,
anger, frustration &/or depression for all sorts of
reasons which get covered up over the years. You also
say that you went to Relate for marital problems which
seemed to help & I wonder if you &/or your wife would
benefit from some more counselling, either face to face
if there is counsellor in your area with whom you both
feel comfortable or perhaps it might help you to speak
on the phone or by email?
I know it is hard for couples to to start to talk about
their sexual & emotional needs but I understand how
frustrating this is for you & imagine that it can't be a
happy situation for your wife either, as somehow it
sounds as though you are having to always ask for sex &
she is under pressure to participate when she just
doesn't feel like it. This doesn't sound like a very
healthy balance for either of you, but perhaps you could
put some time aside to talk gently to your wife without
any implicit sexual pressure, & ask her if she would be
prepared to try & talk about how she is really feeling
with a professional counsellor as it is the relationship
& marriage that concerns you the most?
It might help to look at the following web sites & share
them with your wife if/when she is receptive, but please
feel free to write again if it would help you to talk
through your own feelings by email/online.
1) Relate offers advice, relationship counselling, sex
therapy, workshops, mediation, consultations and support
face-to-face, by phone and through this website ...
www.relate.org.uk
2) loss of libido - also known as or related to libido-,
libido reduced, sexual drive reduced, sex drive reduced,
libido[low], libido decreased - medical
www.patient.co.uk/leaflets/loss_of_libido.htm
3)It's become very fashionable to blame our hormones for
loss of libido. But is there any evidence that hormones
are the real culprits?
www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth
4)While many of us have experienced temporary
performance problems in the bedroom, impotence (erectile
dysfunction) happens to about one in ten men.
www.netdoctor.co.uk/erectiledysfunction
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I am
sorry that you and your wife are having a difficult
time. From what you have written, it would seem that you
see the problems as being of a sexual nature. However,
the sexual manifestations of the difficulties in your
marriage could imply that there are complex underlying
issues, which may need to be addressed. I am wondering
whether what you call your need for sex is actually
masking some sort of lack in your life that you are
hoping to fill through sex and which may not be
something new, as your refer to earlier problems with
sex.
There is a certain
mechanical tone to the way that you describe your wife
and that you write about your sexual relationship that
makes me wonder what is going on emotionally and
psychologically for you. I do not get a sense of your
wife as being another person for you and it makes me
wonder how you actually see her and what it is that may
prevent you from seeing her as another person. You
mention that your wife is fluent in French and that
language is not a problem for her. I wonder whether
language is a problem for you and if that is the case,
whether it is adding to you difficulties. Counselling or
psychotherapy may help to address some of the underlying
issues that are contributing to the problems in your
marriage. |
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