"I'M CONFUSED ABOUT MY SEXUALITY AFTER SLEEPING WITH A NEIGHBOUR"
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Therapist
A's answer to this dilemma will be published when
received |
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"I don’t know what to do
whether to be true to myself or stick with my
family........I have to do something soon..... Also, I’m
worried the neighbour will tell someone else and he
might find out anyway."
I'm sorry that you find yourself in such an emotional &
physical dilemma, & can see from the above statements
that you are feeling under some pressure to try & sort
out your feelings quite soon.
Perhaps you could take some of that pressure off for a
start by asking to talk to your neighbour & finding out
the likelihood of her telling your husband at all, let
alone the near future? I realise it could be difficult
as presumably her embarrassment might want her to hide
what has happened or even deny it in some way, putting
it down to too much to drink-but if you just ask for 5
minutes of her time she will realise that you aren't
trying to pin her down to a long, emotional &
potentially embarrassing session.
Once you've established whether you are at immediate
risk of being found out, then I guess it would be time
to have a big think about the life changing issues at
stake now.
I'm wondering what you really mean by writing about
being true to yourself? It sounds as though you've had a
huge revelation about re-awakening your sexual feelings
& recognising how good it made you feel at having sex
with a woman. This seems to have made you compare it the
sex you've had with your husband for the last 30 years,
since you were both at university,& I suppose it is
inevitable that the long term sex will come off badly in
comparison with the recent experience, fuelled by
excitement & alcohol? This of course might still have
been the case if you'd had a fling with another man, but
perhaps you could try & look at the fundamental reality
of spending the rest of your life with your husband or
leaving to try a single/dating life outside the
marriage?
Maybe it would also help to look at the reality of
staying in the marriage or not, regardless of whether
you leave it for the potential freedom of sex with other
women. The only real difference is the attitude you fear
from your children, husband ,family & society in
general-but breaking up a marriage has the same results
whether it is for another woman or another man - its
just the degree of 'social' acceptability.
Maybe it would help to seek couple counselling first, &
then perhaps you could find the words to tell your
husband of your bi sexual feelings, but in the context
of explaining that you are not happy within the marriage
anyway? It isn't hard to see that you both married very
young & that feelings do change along the way, but it
might help to try & explore that with a trained
counsellor?
Relate are very experienced in all aspects of
relationship/marriage problems including sexual
differences & you could try their web site
www.relate.org.uk
as they offer online & phone sessions as well as face to
face for those who aren't near a Relate centre.
I do hope the above helps & that you can find the
sympathetic & non judgemental help that you are asking
for. |
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I am not sure what you mean
when you say you grew out of being bisexual when you
were 17. I don't know how sexually active you were as a
teenager and I am wondering whether sex was a substitute
for you for something else that you felt was lacking in
your life. You mention that sex with your husband is
boring and I wonder whether that is a reflection of what
is going on in your marriage. You seem to be saying that
you have not been feeling really alive and you say that
you need to rethink your life and your sexuality. There
seem to be a number of factors that may be involved
here. You are attributing your lack of aliveness to your
sexual relationship with your husband but you do not
mention what you are doing in your country of residence,
whether you are working or engaged in an activity. Are
you bored with your life? What is it that is not being
fulfilled, apart from your sexual relationship with your
husband? When you write about being true to yourself,
does it apply only to your sexuality or are there other
factors involved there as well? |
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