"HOW CAN I GET OVER MEMORIES OF SEXUAL ABUSE?"
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It
is very hard when, as a result of past traumatising
experience, our bodies react in a way that is out of our
conscious control.
Your difficulties could be approached in three possible
ways. First of all you seem to have a very good
friendship with the man you have met recently and, if it
were possible, maybe at this stage of life it would be
good to focus on and value the friendship, the
companionship that you have.
However I do understand your wish to experience, at
last, a good sexual relationship and maybe you could
take the approach offered by many sexual therapists, a
step by step, gentle approach where you both know what
the limit of your physical contact will be, so for a
while it might just be holding hands, or lying next to
each other.
Perhaps, long term, the most helpful course of action,
following the length and level of abuse that you have
experienced from your father and husband, would be to
seek the help of a psychotherapist to talk to, who would
work with you to lessen the trauma of your past and
think with you about ways of developing your sexual
relationship. It could be emotionally painful but they
would be able to work with you and your individual
situation. You might feel the fees were more than you
want to pay and it could be difficult to find someone
near to where you live who could help you but it would
be worth looking on this website and also on the British
Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website.
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Therapist B
is unavailable at the moment so this response is from a
professional counsellor
You say that your husband sexually abused you
and that your father physically abused you. All
survivors of abuse of any kind can have very strong
reactions, but for adult survivors these reactions are
usually much stronger. Because a trusted adult did not
respect your personal boundaries when you were young,
adult survivors can often feel they do not have the
right to control what happens to them. They can
experience flashbacks and memories of the abuse and
guilt and shame because they were not able to stop it,
even though that would have been impossible. The most
difficult emotion for an adult survivor of childhood
abuse to get in touch with can be anger because a child
being abused feels fear and powerlessness but also
anger. The child cannot use this anger in any way as it
will have no effect on the abuser or it may even
endanger the child if it is physical abuse, as in your
father's case, so it has to be kept hidden. As an adult,
this may echo with you feeling that being angry will
have no effect for you and learning to trust again may
be very difficult for you. Fear also comes into it, of
course, and the physical symptoms you describe are
indicative of terror and powerlessness.
Very often, we as adults can subconsciously choose a
partner who replicates the behaviour of someone
important in our lives when young, even if that person
hurt us badly and it may be that you subconsciously
chose a husband who would repeat a pattern in your life.
It might be important for you to recognise that because
it sounds as though the new man in your life is nothing
like either your father or late husband and, although
intellectually you know how to relate to him, your
memories and physical reactions are making it
impossible. You say that your new partner would have to
force you to make love and that he refuses to do that.
Does this mean that he would have to abuse you before
you allow him to get close to you? That is the pattern
that you will need to break but well done for finding
someone who respects you and cares about your feelings
as that is a very important step.
It would be helpful for you to see a therapist to
explore all these issues and to look at what you are
feeling about your new partner, what happens to you
emotionally when you approach intimacy and whether the
physical symptoms you experience are connected to the
abuse you suffered from your father, your husband or
both. However, there are things you can start to do with
your new partner but it is important that you do not do
anything that you are not in control of and that you
take a lot of time if you are going to approach some
self-therapy - one step at a time is really important if
you are going to be able to learn to tolerate intimacy.
You may want to look on Google for the process of
learning to trust again after abuse for adult survivors.
Here are two
websites:
www.havoca.org
or
www.enddomesticabuse.org
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It
sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I
sympathise with how much you would like to have a normal
sexual relationship with your new partner and yet the
difficult experiences of the past are blocking this. You
say your father was physically abusive and then your
husband so you have been in a chronic abuse situation
for a long time. Your body and mind have spent a long
time coping with abusive situations and you have not had
enough time to integrate the change into your life. As
you say you get triggered in specific situations and you
may dissociate or have flashbacks which are signs of a
reaction to trauma. These reactions whilst being
adaptive in abusive situations can feel chaotic and
limiting when you want to function fully in normal life.
I’m glad you’ve met someone with whom you feel
compatible and whose relational style is so different .
It is probably noticing this difference that helped you
become aware of your desire to move on and seek to
resolve your issues in order to experience something new
and positive.
After such experiences the way forwards in my way of
thinking would be to get in touch with a counsellor
trained in working with adult survivors of childhood
abuse. A counsellor would be able to help you work
towards developing strengths and skills and aim towards
a sense of healing . It is generally a phase orientated
approach that first aims to help you develop your own
support systems such as better identifying and
understanding what triggers you, your emotions and how
to manage at these times. The next step is to better
understand how you have adapted to your traumatic past
experiences and how much they influenced the way you
adjusted to life. The final phase is to work towards
integrating a new sense of self that can function better
in the new context. The journey may take some time but
it will surely be worth it. Good luck. |
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