"Am I feeling like
this because I'm menopausal?"
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It
is not an easy thing that you have taken on, to start a
new life abroad in midlife and it seems that you have
reached a point where it all feels too difficult and you
feel hopeless and helpless. One difficulty merges with
another and you can’t see a way forward. You don’t say
how long you have been in France but if we go back to
the point at which you and your husband decided to come
to France, I wonder what your relationship with your
husband was like then? Was it your decision as much as
his to move to France? Was it what you wanted, or did
you go along with your husband’s wishes? You agreed to
leave your family, your children, your friends, your
home and maybe a job, all the supportive relationships,
things that you had taken time to build up. Did you
think then about what you were giving up and how
difficult it might be? I wonder if you, like many
people, saw only the exciting side of it all and didn’t
realise how you and your husband would be much more
dependent on each other than before and that you would
be thrown back on your own resources.
Rather than trying to talk to your doctor, who probably
can’t help except by offering you antidepressants, you
need to open up two dialogues, one with a counsellor and
the other with your husband who needs to understand your
difficulties and, if you are going to stay with him,
support you. The counsellor will listen and help you
think about how you are feeling, help you talk to your
husband, and help you decide what you want to do. You
need to make a decision that is yours - leave or stay it
won’t be easy - and then find positive ways of putting
it into action.
It depends on where you are living whether you can find
someone to talk to face to face, but if you can’t, there
are counsellors on this site who work on the phone, on
Skype or by email. I urge you to find a counsellor or
therapist to talk to. |
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Therapist B is
unavailable at this time so the response below has been
provided by a person-centred counsellor
You
aren't alone in feeling like this, indeed there are many
hundreds of expats in France who are feeling isolated
and alone, unable to speak good enough French to
integrate and within marriages that are very often
crumbling under the strain of being so far away from
friends and family. Plus you are going through the
menopause, when emotions are very often all over the
place and many women feel that when their children have
left home, they have no role any more and can feel very
down about it.
Your husband appears to be behaving in a very
unsupportive and uncaring way, giving you an ultimatum
when you are feeling so low and appearing not to care
about how you are feeling. However, I wonder if your
marriage has been like this for a while and that you
have been ignoring the signs or whether perhaps it is
that your husband is also feeling unsupported and
uncared for at the moment and is lashing out at you?
This may be the case if he doesn't normally behave in
this way. If he would agree to go and see a counsellor
with you, then it would give you both a chance to be
able to talk about what you are both feeling with
someone who can help you to look at the issues together.
However, you may feel that he wouldn't agree to that but
you may be surprised.
You say that you find local people generally unfriendly
and that your husband does his "own thing" at weekends
but it's important that you are honest with yourself -
are you making an effort yourself to find
friends, to find expat groups or join one of the many
organisations in France that are springing up to help
deal with people's isolation? Could you even try and
start a coffee morning, book exchange, quilting circle
or something like that for expats in your area? Maybe
put a poster up to see if there are others feeling like
you or look online to see if there's anything you can go
to or do? Unless you are deep within an all-French
community, there are usually a few expats living in your
area who may be feeling just like you. Indeed, there may
be a French class nearby where you can not only learn
more French but have company and support, plus warmth
and friendship. I often think that the older expats who
don't speak good French get far more from going to a
French class than just learning the language.
Sometimes, when we are feeling alone and sad, we can
exude an air of childlike neediness to others and this
in turn can make people avoid you in case they are asked
to take on your neediness and get enmeshed with it. Most
of us can identify with what you are describing, at some
time in our lives having felt alone and unwanted outside
the group, especially as children. You sound as though
you would have a lot to offer, but have forgotten how to
go about meeting your own needs, but expect others to
meet them for you. If you start the ball rolling and
make the effort to reach out to others, you start giving
out different signals, that of someone who is doing
something positive and taking responsibility for your
own happiness and that, in turn, is likely to attract
people to you rather than turn them away. You may find
that there are friends in France that you haven't met
yet but will never meet if you don't take the first
step. It IS very hard to take that step
but what have you got to lose?
About your doctor, are you just speaking English rather
than taking a dictionary and trying a few words of
French? Very often, French doctors will not talk to you
in English as a way of forcing you to make an effort,
even if you can't understand much French although this
can come across as hard and unfeeling. At least make
sure you prepare something on paper before you visit the
doctor, that you have researched before you go. Very
often, French people are impatient with you if you don't
try but extremely helpful if you try at least a few
words. If you have done this and still got a
bad-tempered and rude response, you should perhaps
consider changing your doctor! Good luck, I hope
things work out for you. |
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I wonder if the
emotional problems that you mentioned have actually been
there for a while and are being brought out by the
menopause, which can sometimes cause women to have
doubts about their identity as a woman. This could lead
to greater feelings of insecurity and self-doubt that
might be contributing to your feeling hopeless and
abandoned. It is difficult to start again in a new
country, especially without the language but I wonder if
you have thought about what it is that is contributing
to your feeling that everyone is unable to help you.
You say that you
find the people unfriendly. Maybe they are responding to
something that you are expressing that you are not aware
of. It sounds like moving to France has evoked feeling
of loss for you and I wonder if you have allowed
yourself to grieve for all that you mentioned that you
have lost with the move. I also wonder if you are
expecting too much from others and are waiting for them
to rescue you, especially your husband. I would suggest
that you see a therapist or counsellor to help you
understand what it is that is causing you to feel the
way that you are feeling and to address some of the
issues contributing to your unhappiness. |
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