"I AM SERIOUSLY OVERWEIGHT AND MY HUSBAND IS DOWNLOADING PORN"
|
You are an intelligent and
able person but seem to find it hard to think about the
sources of your own predicament. It sounds as if,
although you have a tendency to being overweight, it is
very much tied up with emotional difficulties rather
than it being simply a physical condition.
You do not say much about your childhood but it sounds
as if there were hidden currents under the surface in
your family, a lack of honesty and a certain amount of
secrecy and hypocrisy around things sexual. Children
often sense things that are not out in the open and it
could be that you not only lacked confidence in yourself
but also in those around you.
I can understand how demoralising it was to find that
the partner you trust is seeking sexual satisfaction
elsewhere and to become disillusioned about your
father’s supposed morality. People bring into
relationships all aspects of themselves, both good and
bad, and it is up to you to choose, by your own
standards, what you will accept. However you need to
work out your own position and not put up with things
because you feel bad about yourself.
I think it would be a good idea for you to find
a professional helper who you could trust, to enable you
understand your insecurity and build your
self-confidence. Only you can ultimately change things
for yourself, but there are people who can help you take
responsibility for your life. It is a tough road to
choose to face your threatening feelings but you need to
find self-esteem that is not reliant on the feedback of
those around you.
I know that it is not easy to find the right person to
help you when living in a foreign country but, if you
cannot find face to face help, apart from therapists on
this site, there are also therapists on the British
Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website
directory who offer counselling by phone or on Skype. It
won't be easy or a ‘quick fix’ but, if you are prepared
to work at it, I am sure you can find a happier way of
being. |
|
Given all that you have just
poured out I am very glad that you have finally decided
to seek some help. As you realise for yourself however,
all the various problems you have written about seem to
revolve around the issue of your weight. I'm sorry to
hear that the gastric band not only seems to be making
your life more difficult, but hasn't achieved the
desired effect anyway,& I wonder if it might be worth
looking at the various sites which give advice on the
after effects of this operation. They nearly all seem to
indicate that patients still need to eat correctly,
exercise etc - which of course we all know is sensible -
but not always achievable if you are suffering from low
self esteem in the first place.
As you have already identified, the underlying low self
esteem has really shaken your confidence in yourself,
even though it seems to me that you have achieved a huge
success in working for a large French company - not easy
at the best of times, but they must value you
particularly at the moment when many others are losing
their jobs. Although I note that you somehow think that
if you were thinner you might be taken more seriously,
it does point again to you putting a lot of value on
looks & shape, so I wonder what message you got from
your early years that put those ideas in your head? I
know that all the media promote the ideal way for a
woman to look, but if you look around how many of your
friends/aquaintances/colleagues can really live up to
that ideal?
However, I do realise that the main issue is how you
feel about yourself, particularly as it seems to be
impacting on your marriage & your sexual relationship
with your husband. It sounds as though you could both
benefit from some couple counselling, as many men resort
to pornography for a variety of reasons & it might be
helpful if you could both go back & explore how you felt
when you first got together & remember what it was that
attracted you to each other. A couples counsellor might
be able to help you both express genuine feelings that
often get hidden when you're both working hard in those
first years of marriage. If for some reason you aren't
able to express your emotional & sexual needs early on,
then often it just gets more difficult to be honest with
each other. A trained counsellor would be able to help
you both explore what you really want out of life, &
help you look at ways in which you could both get some
pleasure instead of the stress & mistrust you are
experiencing at the moment.
I know that it is often hard to find the professional
help you need in a foreign country, even if bilingual
there can be cultural differences, but I'll put some
helpful web sites at the end which you may find useful
or refer you back to
here
to see if there is anyone suitable in your area
for face to face counselling. At least you have decided
to try & seek help now which is often the most difficult
part,& I do hope that you will be able to continue down
this path to getting yourself onto a healthier level
both emotionally & psychologically speaking.
www.selfesteem4women.com
www.relate.org.uk
-although these are based in the U.K they offer online
or telephone counselling as well. You may find that some
couple counsellors use webcam & skype conference calls
for those who aren't near enough for face to face
counselling
www.weightconcern.com
|
|
It sounds like you are
having a very difficult time. There seems to be a
paradox at play here, where appearances are belied by
what is behind them. I am struck by your emphasis on
your appearance and the importance that you attribute to
it and I wonder if appearance is something that was very
important in your family. You write that the family
appeared to be very and moral and yet behind that
facade, your father had been having affairs for all
those years. It can be very confusing to know what you
think and feel when there are contradictory messages
being conveyed in the family.
From what you write, you come across as a competent and
intelligent woman. However, it would seem that it is
difficult for you to have a sense of who and what you
are because of the importance that you attribute to your
appearance. Of course weight is not a negligible factor
but, from what you write, your weight problem would seem
to indicate that there are deeper difficulties
underlying the weight issue. You mention that you a
experienced feelings of low self esteem even when you
were thin. This would seem to indicate that these
feelings are not just to do with your weight. I wonder
what it is that is making you attribute all your
problems to your weight.
You mention that your
family was puritanical and I wonder to what extent you
were not able to express yourself. This, together with
the ambience in the the family may have contributed to
your lack of confidence and to the way you feel about
yourself today. Children are often very sensitive to the
emotional nuances in the family and it may be that you
somehow sensed that all was not as it appeared to be in
your family. This may be something of which you were not
consciously aware at the time but that may have,
nevertheless, affected you. The fact that weight was an
issue for you from the time you were five years old
would also seem to suggest that the difficulties you are
now experiencing have to do with the past as well as the
present. The faking that you mention may be also be
something to do with your feeling that all was not right
in the family when you were growing up. Things were not
as they appeared to be and this may have made it very
difficult for you to decipher what was true and what was
not true. I would suggest that going to see a counsellor
or therapist may help you understand and address the
issues that are contributing to the difficulties that
you are experiencing. |
|